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› President Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un met tonight in Singapore after we taped our show. So if you’re watching this on TV right now, either it went well, or you have a TV in your fallout shelter. — Seth Meyers

› According to reports, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un brought his own toilet to Singapore for his summit with President Trump to prevent intelligence agencies from using the sewer to get information on his health. Intelligence agencies were like, “We’re just going to go ahead and guess ‘bad,’ then?” — Seth Meyers

› NBA Hall of Famer Dennis Rodman arrived in Singapore today ahead of President Trump’s summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. So at least if Kim launches a nuclear missile, Rodman will be there to grab the rebound. — Seth Meyers

› President Trump told reporters he’ll know if the Kim Jong Un meeting is going well by “touch” and “feel.” In other words, Trump’s lawyer is going to have to pay Kim Jong Un $130,000. — Conan O’Brien

› Honestly, it may work. After three minutes of being touched and felt by Trump, Kim Jong Un is just going to shout, “Fine! Take the nukes! Whatever you want, just stop touching me!” — James Corden

› President Trump said that during the North Korea summit, he will not focus on human-rights abuses. Trump said, “My marriage is no one’s business.” — Conan O’Brien

› In other White House news, first lady Melania Trump attended a reception today, marking her first public appearance in three weeks. This ended much speculation about her whereabouts. Turns out, Melania was in the White House with her husband, Donald Trump, the whole time. So it’s worse than we all thought. — James Corden

Source: www.newsmax.com

 

O Canada

Long ago, when Canada was being settled by European explorers, they realized they needed one name to call their great land. But no one could agree. So they put letters into a hat and asked a man to reach into the hat, pull out three letters and read them aloud.

The draw went like this:

"C, eh?"

"N, eh?"

"D, eh?"

And that's how Canada got its name.

And one for dad

Q: When does a joke become a dad joke?

A: When it becomes apparent.

Slow to anger

A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch. He picks it up and throws it across the street.

A year later, the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch.

The snail says, "What was that all about?"

Bike wreck

A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked down an old lady. She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself off, then turned to the little boy and said, 'Don't you know how to ride a bike?'

"Yes," he answered, "but I don't know how to ring the bell yet."

Quickies

Q: Did you hear about the robbery at the Apple store?

A: Police are looking for iWitnesses.

Q: What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

A: Ba-na-na-naaa.

Q: What do you give a dog with a fever?

A: Mustard. It's the best thing for a hot dog.

Q: How do snails fight?

A: They slug it out.

Q: What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

A: Attire.

Q: What do you call someone who points out the obvious?

A: Someone who points out the obvious.

Q: How many ears does Spock have?

A: Three. The left ear, the right ear and the final front ear.

Q: How do you catch a bra?

A: With a booby trap.

Q: What's the award for being the best dentist?

A: A little plaque.

Q: Why do teenagers walk in groups of three?

A: Because they can't even.

Current events

From www.newsmax.com:

' The Supreme Court ruled that a baker in Colorado can refuse to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple on religious grounds. Ladies and gentlemen, in my opinion, if there's anything America is not going to stand for, it's less cake. — Conan O'Brien

' The Tony Awards was last night — or as I call it, the Super Bowl — and it was absolutely wonderful. The moment everyone was buzzing about was when Robert De Niro had to be censored for saying onstage "[expletive] Trump." And today, angry Trump supporters everywhere are pretending that they actually watch the Tony Awards. — James Corden

' After IHOP announced they would be changing their name to IHOb with a "b," the company revealed today with great fanfare that the "b" stands for "burgers." This is excellent news, because since I moved to America, I've been asking myself, "Where can I find a burger? I've looked high and low, and you just can't find one here." — James Corden

' It is "Jurassic World" week here at the show. "Jurassic World" is a movie about wild creatures trapped on an island. Or as Singapore calls that, "A little too close to home." — Jimmy Fallon

' Many fans have started an online petition urging ABC to continue the show "Roseanne" without Roseanne. In a related story, Andy [Richter] has started a similar petition about the show "Conan." — Conan O'Brien

' Did you see the game last night, game 2 of the NBA finals? The Golden State Warriors beat up on the Cleveland Cavaliers. Not a pretty sight. Steph Curry set an all-time finals record with nine 3-pointers. Two of them he shot from the parking lot as he was getting in his car. — Jimmy Kimmel

' Once the NBA season is over, our lonely nation turns its eyes to a one-on-one basketball game between me and Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas. The back story, in case you don't know: Ted was unhappy that I compared him to a blobfish — even though, in fairness to me, he looks just like one. He should be angry at his parents. So he challenged me to a game, and I accepted his challenge. But I pointed out that after losing the election to a reality-show host, maybe it wouldn't be a great idea to lose a basketball game to a talk-show host. — Jimmy Kimmel

' A new restaurant has opened in Boston where all the food is cooked by robots. The restaurant was started by a group of engineers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. A robot that can cook a meal. Is this a new thing? Isn't this just a microwave? I'm pretty sure I had a robot make me a frozen burrito last night. — James Corden

' It's a little different than having a human cooking staff. Instead of finding a hair in your food, you'll find a USB cable. — James Corden

' A plane in Holland was forced to make an emergency landing after a passenger's body odor was so bad that it caused others to vomit and faint. You know it's bad when people are going into the airplane bathroom for some fresh air. — James Corden

Laugh Lines is compiled from various sources, including reader submissions and websites. Origins are included when known.

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